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The Guiding Light of Conscious Parenting: Body Autonomy

As a woman and a mother, I was blessed to experience the growth and giving of a life (two beautiful lives actually).

For 10 months, my daughters were a part me - our bodies were one. When I felt happy (or fearful), waves of hormones rushed through them and they felt as I did. 

My voice was theirs.

My destination, theirs.

However, when the time was ready, they detached and became their own.  

It is with incredible responsiblity and priviledge to be able teach our children how to nourish and protect their body. For me, there are two main approaches to developing body autonomy.



Modeling as a the Supreme Teacher for Psychological & Physical Autonomy


Modeling is the supreme route in which most of life's lessons can be instilled.

Having a body can be challenging work sometimes. We have to teach our children how to nourish it properly and protect it the best they can. This can be physical - simple, everyday things we may not give much thought to are becoming the building blocks in which our children learn to understand their bodies - using our seat belts, eating vegtables, growing a garden, brushing our teeth, exercising.  


However, in a psychological sense, children are particularly receptive to our response and actions in the most challenging times in our life. In these times, we may not want them to see us - we aren't normally in our best state when death, loss or basic frustration occurs in our life. However, we must not waver in our ability to be aware that a child is like a parched sponge in the hot desert sand - absorbing all of our actions and emotions at these times.

This in no way implies that we must attain perfection at all times  - there will be times, repeatedly, that we slip up.

We’ll have a rough day at work and be grumpy.
We’ll get into an argument with a friend and say something we don’t mean.
We’ll slam a door or raise our voice.
We’ll cry.
We’ll be quiet, and gloomy.

None of these actions or emotions are wrong.

What is problematic is letting these actions define who we are – showing a child their emotion identifies who they are.


Helpful to a child: "Sometimes you’ll feel mad/sad/scared and it’s normal.  Although you may feel this way sometimes, none of these feelings is who you are. You are beautiful, spirited, and loved."

Not helpful: "I get angry/sad/scared and this is just a part of who I am. I have a temper. I am just a depressed person. I have a phobia."


The key is awareness. For me, when I trip up, I am quick to acknowledge it to my kids in a way they can understand. Body autonomy is about the psychological as much as the physical.



Reverence for Their Body

  
As our children grow, it is important for us to teach them to develop ownership over their body. This is important because they will need this foundation as they grow-particularly girls. 

One example... In the past, I have written about piercing my daughters' ears and how, for me, this is a choice I decided against.

I know in the scope of things piercing my daughter’s ears doesn’t seem to be big deal. However, to me it can be if we let it (and I think there are good benefits if it is). I want my daughters to know that it’s not my place to modify their body.

I will help them trim their nails and keep their hair cut to a manageable length, until they have the means to do this management of their bodies themselves – but piercing does not enhance their quality of life, it’s painful and carries significant risks over, say, just changing a diaper or cleaning their ears. If I wait to allow them to decide if they would like their ears pierced or not, then there is an opportunity to learn responsibility in caring for it.

Spanking and physical punishment can also be addressed here. I do not support physical punishment (spanking) out of respecting my daughters’ body. Although I do agree to a certain point that a parent can spank a child and not hurt them physically (too much) – however, it is not about pain inflicted or reducing an unwanted behavior for a short time.

What it is about is imparting the lesson that it is never acceptable use physical force over another person for any reason. Avoiding physical punishment (spanking) also increases the opportunities you get to show your children language skills in resolving conflict –actually communicating about a problem…NOT smacking, spanking or hitting to get a problem to resolve itself.


..…


For just a short period of their lives children are a part of our body  - and then comes the time when we are blessed with the great responsibility in showing them what a precious and beautiful gift they are to this world.



Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life
's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit,
not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer
's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Children Chapter IV by Khalil Gibran

4 comments:

  1. I enjoyed reading this post very much. It's amazing how much power a tiny baby has to change your view on parenting. Before I was expecting my son I had such different ideas about how I would parent. "of course I will spank, how else are you going to discipline" and "kids who aren't spanked are spoiled". I figured I would pierce my daughters ears when they were babies...so they wouldn't remember the pain! How ridiculous!! When I found out I was having a son I immediately thought about a subject I never had before; circumcision. I began reading more anouilh penises than I ever thought I would. The information I read just reinforced what I had already been feeling...it was not okay for me to cut a part of my son off. I began to feel remorse for my husband, who had been circumcised. I began to feel extreme sadness for all the boys in my family that had been circumcised and the baby boys to come who would have this pointless and barbaric procedure preformed on them. My initial reasons for opposing circumcision was he pointless pain it would cause but then it grew in to realizing that it is not my place to choose this for my son. His body is not my body. If he decides he would like to be circumcised once he is an adult then I am fine with it. My views on spanking began to change. How can I teach my son not to hit by spanking him for it? I'm so grateful for how much my 9 month old son has taught me. He was teaching me even while he was still in my womb!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BEAUTIFUL Lyndsey - thank you so much for sharing!!!

      I originally had a small part in this post regarding circ but I removed it...You're comment fills a whole that was missing in this post. Thank you.

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    2. Thank you for reminding us that a major way many (but far from all) American parents deny the bodily autonomy of their sons, is by having them circumcised shortly after birth. Circumcision is very painful, does not improve health, sometimes goes badly wrong, is not the norm in all but 3 first world countries, and can detract from normal adult sexual life.

      Delete
  2. I enjoyed reading this post very much. It's amazing how much power a tiny baby has to change your view on parenting. Before I was expecting my son I had such different ideas about how I would parent. "of course I will spank, how else are you going to discipline" and "kids who aren't spanked are spoiled". I figured I would pierce my daughters ears when they were babies...so they wouldn't remember the pain! How ridiculous!! When I found out I was having a son I immediately thought about a subject I never had before; circumcision. I began reading more anouilh penises than I ever thought I would. The information I read just reinforced what I had already been feeling...it was not okay for me to cut a part of my son off. I began to feel remorse for my husband, who had been circumcised. I began to feel extreme sadness for all the boys in my family that had been circumcised and the baby boys to come who would have this pointless and barbaric procedure preformed on them. My initial reasons for opposing circumcision was he pointless pain it would cause but then it grew in to realizing that it is not my place to choose this for my son. His body is not my body. If he decides he would like to be circumcised once he is an adult then I am fine with it. My views on spanking began to change. How can I teach my son not to hit by spanking him for it? I'm so grateful for how much my 9 month old son has taught me. He was teaching me even while he was still in my womb!

    ReplyDelete

Please be respectful. If you are about to say something that you would not let your child hear, then please refrain from saying it.