When it comes to a good fight, online “mommy wars” bore me to tears. How about a more interesting match up?
Werewolf versus Crunchy Mom
Considering that an anthropomorphic, shape-shifting werewolf can only turn into their hair-covered, predatory form when the moon is full, the werewolf threat would not be emanate until August 2nd.
However, stealthy and cunning crunchy moms know the healing properties of colloidal silver. Not just a natural antibiotic and prophylactic precaution against infections because of its complex effect on all body structures (namely at the cellular level), silver also has detrimental effects on werewolves.
Zombie versus Crunchy Mom
Zombies are typically mindless creatures searching for little more than human brains to consume, and therefore lack the cunning skills of educated crunchy mamas. However, zombies are notoriously hard to kill and if you gather enough zombies in a small area they can become a great force to reckon with.
Luckily, crunchy moms attempt a non-violent approach to both childrearing and zombie killing. Trapping a zombie in a pit of concrete is the ideal way a fellow natural mama would handle such an attack.
Simply coax the zombies into a pit of approximately 6 or 7 feet in depth. Fill the pit with concrete – the concrete will harden around the zombies, effectively trapping them in place.
A non-violent, peaceful means of eliminating any zombie problem.
Vampire versus Crunchy Mom
Vampires can scale walls and shape shift into other forms, something which would be incredibly handy in any battle. They are also extremely fast and handsome in some cases which might deter any woman from killing such a delectable, yummy creature, especially if you have been reading raunchy vampire novels like Sookie Stackhouse or have seen that silly male stripper movie. Yum.
Fortunately, crunchy moms know the miraculous benefits of vitamin D3 and sunlight (too many to list here but I encourage you to learn more and why you should take a D3 vitamin daily). A mere 10 seconds in direct sunlight would eliminate any good-looking (or bad-looking) vampire into a pile of ash.
Grate some garlic onto the pile for good measure since it’s usually handy during cold and flu season to boost immunity, naturally of course.
Ninja versus Crunchy Mom
Killing a ninja isn’t easy.
Only ninjas can kill ninjas. Regular humans are worthless.
Ninjas can breathe underwater and can change ten cloth diapers in less than 1 second.
Ninjas don’t ever smoke, but they do use smoke bombs on occasion.
Ninjas use any object skillfully, including diaper sprayers.
Ninjas can divide by zero.
Ninjas are never seen.
“That guys is a ninja”
“…I don’t know. Where’d he go?”
A crunchy mom would never harm a ninja because they are one in the same.
Crazy skilled, stealthy, effective …and cool as hell.
(this post is dedicated to my husband who knows I’ve been dieing to write about zombies, vampires and ninjas since starting my blog. Also, to my brother James who shares in my obsession with all things cool)