There are is an abundant amount of changes and challenges that occur when you go from a couple to a family unit. These challenges have the potential to deepen and intensify the meaning of a marriage – it also brings the prospect of having the intimacy sucked out like a black hole.
Having a child or children is not always effortless when it comes to continuing to build on intimacy in your marriage. (Who am I kidding, it’s hard as hell) Life becomes demanding. There is less talking. There is a lot less learning about each other’s day, each other’s goals and passions. Sometimes we just rush, rush, rush to get dinner done, the house cleaned, bathes finished, laundry folded, mow the lawn, empty the dishwasher, did the cat just throw up on the carpet? Damn it. Ahhhhhh, the never ending list!
Meaning, having a child in the bed is not what makes intimacy difficult – it’s having a baby period, which ultimately leads to juggling time (intimate or not) to be very challenging.
Many naysayers challenge cosleeping arrangements with the argument that it intrudes on sexual relations between mom and dad. While proponents claim there are creative (and fun) ways around it. So, which is it?
First, I think it’s important to recognize that intimacy is not just sex. Secondly, if there is less sex in a marriage it could be because there is a baby, not because of where the baby sleeps (or lack of sleeping in some cases).
If both you and your husband understand and agree about the benefits of cosleeping, there is no doubt you'll be able to work out any challenges that arise (no pun intended).
Each and every marriage is different – if cosleeping works or doesn’t work for a family then that’s that. It’s better to have a better marriage either way, then cosleeping and resenting the other person about it.
Personally, knowing that my husband values my daughters’ psychological and emotional wellbeing as much as I do is a turn on all by itself. It also makes those moments that we do get to cuddle, hug, and kiss out of this world.
Cosleeping has been around for a very long time and the human population hasn’t disappeared yet. Somehow, those people are getting busy.
Once you deicide that cosleeping works for your family, being spontaneous and creative seem to work quite well. Sneaking around and finding ways to share a physical moment hold the potential to add a new level to the relationship. If it doesn’t work, then change it. It solely depends on your family dynamics.
One of the best gifts we can give to our children is a healthy, connected marriage – emotionally, spiritually and physically.Whether that incorporates cosleeping, well – that’s up to you!
Holistic Parenting, otherwise known as “You’re just F*ing Crazy” by grandparents, some friends, neighbors and the occasional acquaintance...
In the beginning, I didn’t even know that there was a name for this kind of lifestyle or that there were other parents out there that felt as passionately as I do about the inherentconnection between our spirit, our minds, our bodies and our overall wellbeing and happiness.
For me and many other parents, this holistic belief has us choosing parenting choices that might abandon convenience and common practices (choices such as co-sleeping, cloth diapering, natural childbirth, home schooling, etc).
There are many diverse paths we all travel in our lives and each person’s journey we encounter contains a lesson to impart on us – this is mine and here are the aspects of why I use a holistic (“crazy”) parenting approach.
Connection to the Self
The focus on personal growth is the foundation of what I find holistic parenting to be. Fostering your own curiosity, confidence and happiness has tremendous effects on children.
When I know who I am and what my purposein life is, I can help facilitate that in my children – empowering them to choose their own course in life.
One way I do this is making purposefuldecisions - to educate myself and make informedparenting decisions around such issues as childbirth, breastfeeding, healthcare/wellbeing, communication, nutrition, and education.
Connection with Others
It is important as a parent to appreciate human dignity – it’s about learning the values of respect, simplicity, sharing and cooperation. How can we expect our children to share and be kind to others if we don’t on a daily basis?
We can do this by learning to be sensitive to differences, to resolve conflicts without resorting to violence (emotional or physical), and to learn tolerance and acceptance of others.
We are all, indeed, connected to a greater Whole – more then we will ever be able to imagine in our current state of humanness. How can we attempt to learn more about our interconnectedness?
Spread good.
Give something good to every person you meet; a smile, a thank you, a positive thought.
Through our connection and interactions with others is how we learn and grow in our own selves (while helping others as well!).
Connection with Nature
Children seem to be the best teachers when it comes to their connection with nature - their innate curious spirit on how the world works. Being a parent, we are blessed to have a glimpse of the world through their eyes.
It wasn’t so long ago that humans and nature closely coexisted – meaning that our very survival depended on listening to and feeling our connection with nature (relying on plants for medicine, navigating with stars and tilling the land with help from animals to plant our food).
Our advances in convenience and technology aren’t necessarily bad (there have been some truly remarkable things we’ve accomplished), though we need to keep things in perspective: we are part of nature and can not be removed from it without consequences (be-it physically, mentally, or emotionally).
Looking at parenting through a holistic scope starts with walking the path of discovery with our children and participating in their investigation of the mysteries of life.
"In an artificial and processed world, this it a refuge and community for natural mamas."
"Each TUESDAY I post a funny or how-to video. Each THURSDAY I post the Mama Natural Show, the biggest (okay, only) weekly news show for crunchy mamas like you!"
1.You know what an amber teething necklace is and you own one. 2.You own one of the following: “How to Raise a Healthy Child in Spite of Your Doctor” or “The Vaccine Book” by Dr. Sears.
3.You would happily breastfeed someone else’s child if they asked you to.
4.You have a load of laundry in the washer that consists of Bumgenius, Grovia, or prefold diapers. 5.You know that Hypnobabies is not hypnosis for babies. 6.You know more then 5 herbs that help increase milk production - and your husband knows at least 3.
7.You’ve asked the Crunchy Mama’s birth board about sperm friendly lubricant.
8.You visited a chiropractor more often during pregnancy then an OBGYN office. 9.You check hand sanitizers to make sure they do not contain triclosan. 10.Your child’s birthday cake was an organic homemade banana bread recipe. 11.You insist on not wearing sunscreen purely for the benefits of getting as much vitamin D as possible.
12.You refuse to consume cow's milk unless its raw and organic. 13.You own a Nose Freda and have given one as a baby shower gift.
14.You’ve eaten and know the benefits of grass fed beef. 15.You know that the Diva Cup is not a fancy woman chalice. 16.You’ve written a nasty letter to the water company for adding fluoride in the water and then charging you for it. 17.You have considered going the day without antiperspirant because of what you’ve learn the day before about aluminum.
18.You own more then 3 baby carriers and have made your own ring sling. 19.You use honey, eucalyptus and saline solution for cold 'medicine'.
20.At least one of your children was born on the floor of your living room, intentionally. 21.You’ve seriously considered sending your children to a Waldorf school that’s 50 minutes away. 22.Your birth control method consists of NFP.
23.You are an Intactivst and you don’t have a son. 24.You know what Elimination Communication is even though you’ve never done it.
25.You co-sleep, willingly... to a toddler.
26.You have an account with Rose Mountain Herbs.
27.You know your local farmers by first name.
28.You’ve gone No Poo. 29.You have a link on your favorites tab for homemade cough lollipops. (Thanks Brittany
) 30.You’ve breastfed exclusively for the first six months of life and have employed the BLW technique. 31.You make your own shampoo, mouthwash and multi-purpose cleaners. 32.Your children are on an alternative vaccination schedule.
33.You could add 5 more bullet points to this list
I have written in the past on the benefits of cosleeping and the scientific evidence that supports the reasoning that in most cases it is the most beneficial arrangement to the child and family. (I say most, because if you’re a drug addict, smoker or obese then its probably not the best case scenario)
But today I wanted to share a little bit of why it works for me personally.
Looking Past the Immense Benefits of CoSleeping – The Reality of Why I Choose to Share My Bed….
Waking Elizabeth up in the morning
1. I Value My Sleep Immeasurably.
I tend to get about an average of 8 hours of sleep during the weekdays (please take into consideration that I even wake up at to veg around and get ready in the mornings!)
… During the weekend I get about 10 hours of sleep, remember I have a near 2 year old in the house.
I have no doubt in my mind that sleeping with my whole family has contributed to this sleep pattern.
In the early years, I never even had to get out of bed when Elizabeth was a baby. My husband would change her diaper and bring her back to me. I would feed her and we would both doze off to dream land. Those infamous horror stories I was warned about pre-birth never perpetuated into reality.
I kind-of actually look forward to nights with my new baby who is due in just a few short months…
Here is an short reference to show that I’m not blowing smoke up everyone’s, umm……
“Every scientific study concludes that parents who bring their babies to
bed sleep longer and better.” [1]
2. It Makes Being Super Mom Really Easy
So, sometimes Elizabeth will wake up from a dead sleep into a frantic stage of panic. These times are very far and few between but I imagine it’s from a bad dream (someone stole her favorite green boots) or maybe it is because of the pain from those molars coming in all at once… but less then 5 seconds will elapse and she is soundly back to sleep. Shoot, I’m not even sure my husband wakes up.
There’s not even time for me to rip my shirt open to show the ‘S’ on my chest before we’re all back snoring.
I attribute my ninja-like reflexes in soothing my little lady to being in such close proximity to her. I know if she was sleeping in the other room it would take at least a minute for me to get my groggy ass up in the middle of the night … this is not even taking in consideration that she would have to at least cry or scream out for a bit to wake me or my husband up.
I can’t imagine how that feels to a small child being left alone in a dark room by themselves when they are frightened or feeling lonely. I know most adults don’t want to be alone when they are terrified or lonesome.
What can say, I love the immediate response time that I have to sooth my child and plus it gets me back to sleep quicker!
Super Mom to the rescue!
3 Months Old, well rested mama
3. The Birth of a (Social) Butterfly
Let me preface this next reason with the reality that I personally have dealt with some real debilitating issues with anxiety in the past and my husband is not the most social individual on the planet. I can count both of our friends on one hand.
I do however try and set an example by greeting people when I walk into a room and of course giving my thanks when someone holds a door open for me. I do not, however, tell me daughter to say hello or thank you (since I feel she can say hello or thanks if she genuinely feels like it).
With that being said…
I see my daughter and it amazes me. She says hello and greets every single person we walk by at the grocery store, she says hello to the cars that drive by outside our house, she greets strangers like close friends. She has the confidence and self esteem of 50 adults.
I’ve read many, many studies proclaiming confidence and independence in young children that cosleep, but I am now fully entrenched with the fall out.
It’s amazing and it truly blows me away.
Here’s another short reference that I am evoked to share here:
“Children who share sleep with their parents are actually more independentthan their peers. They perform better in school, have higher self esteem,
and fewer health problems.” [1]
4. Shhh, listen… I Think God is Talking.
I get vast satisfaction in listening to my daughter breathe at night and share in her warmth (she’s like a mini oven). I’m not sure if I need to go further in explanation here, but her breath and warmth is the closest I come to the Divine every day.
When I wake up in the middle of the night and I can’t go back to sleep right away, I lay there, snuggle close and listen.
What I hear and feel I cannot explain in words.
I am grateful to experience this while I can.
Happy Family of 4 (soon-to-be)
5. Unless I’m Over 50, The Bed is Not The Only Place For A Fun Time.
(no offense for people over 50)
Many people presume that because there is a child that sleeps in our bed that means that me and my husband don’t get to be intimate. I’m not going to get into too much detail here because I’m a lady and I don’t kiss and tell.
But if you didn’t catch on yet – I’m pregnant again…. So we haven’t had any issues in that department….
In fact, I feel that it is unfortunate that many people are only having relations in their bed. There are many other fun places to take part in the fun.
Jennifer Coburn is the author of Take Back Your Power: A Working Woman's Response to Sexual Harassment, which recently won an honorable mention from the National Women's HeritageMuseum book awards and an Outstanding Book Award from the MyersCenter for the Study of Human Rights in North America.
Here are some other articles on cosleeping that I enjoy.
