As a woman and a mother, I was blessed to experience the growth and giving of a life (two beautiful lives actually).
For 10 months, my daughters were a part me - our bodies were one. When I felt happy (or fearful), waves of hormones rushed through them and they felt as I did.
My voice was theirs.
My destination, theirs.
However, when the time was ready, they detached and became their own.
It is with incredible responsiblity and priviledge to be able teach our children how to nourish and protect their body. For me, there are two main approaches to developing body autonomy.
Modeling as a the Supreme Teacher for Psychological & Physical Autonomy
Modeling is the supreme route in which most of life's lessons can be instilled.
Having a body can be challenging work sometimes. We have to teach our children how to nourish it properly and protect it the best they can. This can be physical - simple, everyday things we may not give much thought to are becoming the building blocks in which our children learn to understand their bodies - using our seat belts, eating vegtables, growing a garden, brushing our teeth, exercising.
However, in a psychological sense, children are particularly receptive to our response and actions in the most challenging times in our life. In these times, we may not want them to see us - we aren't normally in our best state when death, loss or basic frustration occurs in our life. However, we must not waver in our ability to be aware that a child is like a parched sponge in the hot desert sand - absorbing all of our actions and emotions at these times.
This in no way implies that we must attain perfection at all times - there will be times, repeatedly, that we slip up.
We’ll have a rough day at work and be grumpy.
We’ll get into an argument with a friend and say something we don’t mean.
We’ll slam a door or raise our voice.
We’ll cry.
We’ll be quiet, and gloomy.
None of these actions or emotions are wrong.
What is problematic is letting these actions define who we are – showing a child their emotion identifies who they are.
Helpful to a child: "Sometimes you’ll feel mad/sad/scared and it’s normal. Although you may feel this way sometimes, none of these feelings is who you are. You are beautiful, spirited, and loved."
Not helpful: "I get angry/sad/scared and this is just a part of who I am. I have a temper. I am just a depressed person. I have a phobia."
The key is awareness. For me, when I trip up, I am quick to acknowledge it to my kids in a way they can understand. Body autonomy is about the psychological as much as the physical.
Reverence for Their Body
As our children grow, it is important for us to teach them to develop ownership over their body. This is important because they will need this foundation as they grow-particularly girls.
One example... In the past, I have written about piercing my daughters' ears and how, for me, this is a choice I decided against.
I know in the scope of things piercing my daughter’s ears doesn’t seem to be big deal. However, to me it can be if we let it (and I think there are good benefits if it is). I want my daughters to know that it’s not my place to modify their body.
I will help them trim their nails and keep their hair cut to a manageable length, until they have the means to do this management of their bodies themselves – but piercing does not enhance their quality of life, it’s painful and carries significant risks over, say, just changing a diaper or cleaning their ears. If I wait to allow them to decide if they would like their ears pierced or not, then there is an opportunity to learn responsibility in caring for it.
Spanking and physical punishment can also be addressed here. I do not support physical punishment (spanking) out of respecting my daughters’ body. Although I do agree to a certain point that a parent can spank a child and not hurt them physically (too much) – however, it is not about pain inflicted or reducing an unwanted behavior for a short time.
What it is about is imparting the lesson that it is never acceptable use physical force over another person for any reason. Avoiding physical punishment (spanking) also increases the opportunities you get to show your children language skills in resolving conflict –actually communicating about a problem…NOT smacking, spanking or hitting to get a problem to resolve itself.
..…
For just a short period of their lives children are a part of our body - and then comes the time when we are blessed with the great responsibility in showing them what a precious and beautiful gift they are to this world.
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit,
not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Children Chapter IV by Khalil Gibran
