How to be an Asshole Attachment Parent

Being labeled as an asshole often plagues those who find themselves in the Natural Parenting niche.

In the natural/attachment/progressive/whatever-term-you-fancy parenting community, our passion is often times our own Achilles Heel in respects to overstepping boundaries and putting our foot in our mouths, albeit this problem festers deep within the mainstream just as much (have you seen some of those facebook pages, yiiiiikes).

No matter who started what or who the bigger ass is, I bring this issue up because I sincerely believe that we (the natural community) can begin to alleviate this problem between mainstream and alternative because we we are the ones advocating the value in attachment, respect and unity.

I think often times we don’t consider what other parents are experiencing because we are too busy (or simply refuse) to stop, look outside our own little bubble and, most importantly, value someone else’s choice.

I get it, breastfeeding – hey, you nailed it (me too), and if you had difficulties you pulled up your big-girl britches and dealt with it…and don’t even begin to mention the ethical concerns surrounding circumcision, the research reinforcing the detrimental effects of spanking and the  blah blah blah ….

I agree these issues are important and my heart is engulfed in the same advocacy, my friend. But there should be some reverence for the life another human being is actively choosing to live.

This doesn’t mean we will understand it nor does it mean we must validate it or approve it. Another person’s life is not up for our approval in the first place.

The bottom line is we must be more diligent in respecting the choices others make.

Generation X, Attachment Parenting and Over Compensation  

I’ll be the first to admit my guilt of totally saying things before I think (who hasn’t?).

            Hi, my name is Amanda and I’ve totally been an ass.

At times, maybe I’m quick to be offended…other times I’m quick to offend.

With everyone fixated with social media and publishing their opinion on pretty much everything (hey, myself included), we are flooded with perspectives that are different for our own every minute, every day.

From a sociological perspective, parents my age belong to a cohort that was molded by Nintendo, daycare, star wars and divorce. 

That’s not necessarily a bad thing (Star Wars is pretty damn awesome), however according one study, our generation “went through its all-important formative years as one of the least parented, least nurtured generations in U.S. history”.[*][*]  

This piece of knowledge married with a bit of Psych 101: What is unhealed from your own childhood will reveal itself when you have little tots of your own.  

And viola – attachment parenting is birthed (naturally, of course). 

Don’t get me wrong – again, I love the tenants of attachment parenting, the foundation of progressive parenting, and the community of natural parenting. I live by them, just like you (and write about them too).

I suspect that some (okay, many?) natural parents today may be fueled by a strong desire to do a better job at parenting than their parents did (I know this rings true to me). Again this isn’t a bad thing either.

However, where our natural community severely veers off tract is in two aspects (maybe more, but these are the two that I found myself affected by):

(1) given the crack-pot job some of our parents did (and the majority of other parents embracing mainstream choices in parenting), we are left with a real lack of constructive role models to go about showing us how to be a sufficient parent….leading often times to over-compensation…and hence, unwittingly acting like an ass.

(2) We see other children crying it out, formula fed by choice, rode in strollers, fed crap food – and subconsciously maybe we feel like if we help them, then we are helping our own childhood-self in some way. Because as children we cried it out, was fed junk food and left feeling a real lack of affection – and we didn’t “turn out just fine”.

It’s not all about being a product of divorced, overworked parents and latchkey programs.  Maybe every generation simply has unresolved issues with itself. 

I implore you, fellow AP parents: Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.

4 Easy Steps on how to become an Asshole Parent:

(with counter-steps on how NOT to become one)

Recognize and become familiar with your own tendencies to act callously toward others (no one is perfect and we can all improve treating others better). Hopefully, this list this will give us a great advantage to recognize (in yourself and in others) douche-bag  propensities - and with any luck, stop giving other natural parents a bad name.   

Step 1

Become an expert on something, anything – you pick.

Counter-step: Focus on learning and as soon as you think you know something entirely, your jerk-alert should go off.

Bonus Tip : You know, the more alternative parents get a real bad rap for this (aka santimommy), but if you think this is the only group of parents acting like a bunch of assholes, then you are poorly mistaken. No one is immune to falling prey to this step.

Pride yourself as a seeker not a know-it-all.

Step 2

Speak in absolutes.

“I will never ____.”

“My children always ____.”

“She should never _____.”

Counter-step: Be. Meticulous. About. The. Words. That. Come. Out. Of. Your. Mouth.

Bonus Tip: No matter how thoughtful you are with your words, at some point in time you are likely to offend someone – fact is, there are people out there scouring the ends of the Earth to be offended. The best you can do is to place effort into saying things with kindness and coming from a place of love.

Good luck!

Step 3

At every chance available to you, declare other people’s incompetence.

Counter-step: I know, this step is hard especially if you are learning about your own tendencies of overcompensation. No one is perfect and not everyone wants your two-cents on the subject. You may get burned a few times to eventually learn which of your friends appreciate your unique perspectives. Appreciate other’s point of view too and find value in it.

Bonus Tip: If a friend posts a picture of her child in the car, please refrain from commenting that the child in not properly restrained followed by links to carseat safety and video on youtube of the benefits of extended rearfacing. While I agree there is value in information – consider talking to her off record or send a private message.  

Step 4

You have a small list of close friends and a long list of enemies which you are equally proud of.

Counter-step: True, you can’t get along with everyone and its not your business to make everyone like you – but better yet, give your attention to that which you support and love, not that haters.

Bonus Tip: We’re all in this together, my friends. You can’t get rid of hate with hate, only love can do that.

Parents in the Natural community have another platform to push now – the one that unites us: mainstream and alternative.

United we can accomplish a better future for our children, better then we can ever imagine.

Stop.

Think.

Smile.

Encourage.

Or move Along.

The Anti-Vaccine Label

Be cautious of anyone quick to use the term ‘anti-vaccine’.

photo credit: gttorres.deviantart.com

I’ve found, quite often, that there are 3 possibilities to explain why a person will use this label to pigeonhole parents that show concern regarding the current schedule of vaccines used on children in the US:

(1) they mistakenly assume anyone who questions a product’s safety is consequentially against it in absolute terms;

(2) they tend to consider that vaccines are already being used as responsibly as they can be and the current schedule has been stringently tested for safety and efficacy;

(3) lastly, in a last ditch effort, they select a baited label, in this case ‘anti-vaccine’, to manipulate a person.

And, of course, anyone who disagrees with them is an idiot, which is then most likely to be followed by an insult and/or personal attack.

They may also generalize or over-simplify the topic that is being evaluated at that point in time in hopes to advert attention away from what is being addressed. This could be because they simply do not have any valid information to bring to the table.

When using generic labels, it makes it easier to ignore that the underlying motivation a parent has when deciding to vaccinate (either on schedule, delayed or declined completely) can be diverse.

After concerns are addressed, a family may come to a unique schedule with their healthcare provider and that should be respected.

In most cases, it is.

In others, it is not.

Someone who uses the label ‘anti-vaccine’ liberally may imagine themselves to be the gatekeepers of science.

Yet, the days of limited access to information are gone. (Some helpful, science-based sources can be found: CDC Pinkbook, Clinical Trial Search Engine, DOAJ-Directory of Open Access Journals, Science Direct, Vaccine Package Insert PDFs.)

Scientific information is publicly published and is readily available to whoever would like to review it. While this unquestionably this does not qualify anyone who reads it as being a specialist, it does mean that parents have the opportunity to become a critical influence and an active participant in the healthcare choices for their children and themselves.

Whether you decline (or become selective of) vaccination or if you decide to administer them all according to the current recommended schedule, I sincerely hope that we can all agree that there should be some development of responsibility and education on the side of the parent in the participation of their child(ren)’s health.

That should be the underlying principle pressed on parents – NOT slanderous pigeonholing, restrictive labels, and juvenile squabbling.

I like to believe all parents are doing the best they can (am I in the minority?) – choose what works best for your family while doing your best in honoring the rights of others to make that same choice.

This post reflects the research and concern that I have about vaccination.  I am not a medical professional. It does not represent my opinion of people who choose to vaccinate or not.  Please know that, while my family has made the decision to choose an alternative schedule, we respect the rights of all parents to choose to vaccinate if they feel this is best for their child.  I do not have all the answers.  Most of us don’t.  We’re all in this together and we need to make the best decision we can with the information we have.

50 Shades of Crazy-Staying Sane with Grey In Your Life

I think I can say in confidence that we all have wild-cards in our life.

Sometimes those wild cards present themselves in the form of an unexpected situation or a sudden change – One case in my life, it had emerged as a particularly thorny affiliation with an ex-friend (we’ll call her ‘M’ for the purposes of this post).

The influence of managing this particularly volatile circumstance in my life has undoubtedly filtered into some of my posts over the last few years -for example, my position on bullying (although this particular relationship definitely transcended that). All the same, I never thought publicly addressing the situation with ‘M’ would be a remarkably sound idea – although that never hindered her vocalization.

She had openly admitted on being violent toward herself (physically) and I knew that she was already aggressive to, not just me, but others as well (psychologically and emotionally). I didn’t want to make an already precarious situation worse – not to mention, she knew where I lived, where my children slept, what car I drove, where I worked…

So why mention this now – maybe because I feel like it can positively impact others going through something similar…

In retrospect, I did publicly touch upon the circumstance once, in a comment I posted (under the name ‘Amanda’) on a thread which was an seemingly failed attempt to explain and apologize for ‘M’s erratic behavior toward other young lady (apparently ‘M’ and another woman told a young mother who lost a child during birth that she murdered her own baby, although I do gather it would be quite challenging to absolve anyone of such remarks). However, this attempt at clarification ended up biting me in the ass nearly a year later when someone used the comment to gather information on ‘M’ for a random troll list which she now mistakenly insists I had a part it writing.

The individuals that wrote the material in this particular list think they are fighting the ‘good’ fight and I do grasp their perspective. However, I would like to make a case that if someone really wanted to help the victims of internet aggression, then it might be vastly more productive to foster places or online-spaces where there is acceptance and support – not, making a public list describing how horrible a person is or taking screen shots of someone’s conversation to illustrate their atrocities.

I understand the need to protect yourself when lines are crossed and you feel that real damage has been done – a person’s immediate response might be to retaliate even more maliciously. However, a wise person knows this is not how to cope with conflict in your life.

I’m not saying these people are, or are not, ‘trolls’.

What I am saying is I choose not to place effort into aggravating those matters. If I did have to collect a thought regarding this list, I would say it should be taken down – in fact, I did ask this and it was at the moderator’s discretion to remove the comment from the page.

I did what I could at the time and I move on.

Now onward forth.

Thriving Through the Fanatical

Managing people or events in your life that are dysfunctional has the ability to drain you, to fuel fear and implant anxiety…which, admittedly at one point in my life, I allowed it to negatively effect me. However, it also imparts the opportunity for personal development and growth.

I hope the following helps facilitate great progress in the conflict and struggles in your life (I know it did mine):

Release your burden.

Hate is restrictive and constricting, while the act of love and forgiveness is the ultimate release. 

From trivial upsets to significant loss, it is essential for a person’s own sanity to place effort (physically, emotionally, socially, mentally, and spiritually) into accepting situations in their life for what they are and to release any harmful and unconstructive connection we have to it.

Everything cannot go according to plan at all times and acceptance does not mean you approve of what is happening – it merely liberates a person from the constraints of a particular event that happened in the past (whether 5 minutes ago or 5 years ago). Because let’s face it, if it happened in the past then it cannot be changed no matter how much pain, fear or hate it produced.       

Acceptance is a person's assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a situation without attempting to change it.

It is foreseeable that there will be people in our life that are addicted to acting in an insufferable manner, refusing to accept anything in their life that is not what they believe their life should look like.

While we can continue to the best of our ability to provide support and encouragement for people in our life, fortunately each one of us has the authority to make the choice not to participate in hatefulness and dysfunction. 

To quote Martin Luther King, “Hate is too big a burden to bear”.

Positive actions start with you.

Focusing on what a person hates does not resolve it – rather, it multiplies.

Try to appreciate that personal responsibility is a strength, not a weakness. Take ownership of your actions and recognize the impressive power of positive, compassionate acts.

Each person and situation in your life presents value – honor the importance of that even through the misery it/they may cause you.

Ask for help.

Ninety-five percent of the time, conflict is about feelings-not facts.

If there is a person in your life or a situation that is causing real distress, sometimes it is best to take the time and talk to someone who is not emotionally involved. This can be a touchstone to the pulse of something outside the insanity that this person/event is causing.

In my experience, this always places things in perspective. Many times, other people are going through bigger obstacles in their life and it makes the dysfunction occurring in my life seem insignificant.

****

No doubt, becoming fully aware of what is important in your life is paramount in dealing with difficult people and events.

"Our lives are not determined by what happens to us
but by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings to us,
but by the attitude we bring to life.

A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes.

It is a catalyst, a spark that creates extraordinary results."

The War on Unvaccinated America

Three children per thousand (0.03%) in the United States are completely unvaccinated.  Yet, the rise in anger and hostility toward these children and their families is becoming louder then ever before.[*]

If you are reading this, then it is safe to presume that you’ve been in some type of discussion or debate regarding vaccination status.

While we may all agree that selecting any medical intervention or medicine is a personal choice, it seems at the mere mention of vaccination every Tom, Dick and Harry has conjured up an opinion on the subject in a no-holds bar brawl.

In vaccine debates, you’ll most commonly witness juvenile name-calling and low blow attacks or criticism. Parents who choose an alternative schedule will be called ‘self-centered’, ‘stupid’ or ‘anti-doctor’ for not following the advice of their respected physician. [*]

Some will go on to suggest that people who are unvaccinated be somehow labeled to distinguish them out amongst the group or advocate for schools to reveal the vaccine history of their students. [*]

More will suggest that exemptions be revoked completely or at the very least become much more difficult to obtain – requiring an approval and signature from a licensed medical practitioner. 

Others offer more radical opinions (if the above wasn’t radical enough), suggesting Child Protective Services be contacted if a parent chooses to decline vaccines…or that children should be placed in someone else’s care in hopes for better medical care and attention.

It can also be observed where physical harm was wished upon parents or their children if they refuse to vaccinate.

"Fine, so long as these parents are forcibly exposed to the illnesses themselves. And if their children either die, or are permanently injured, criminal charges should be laid. Then we'll see how much they still believe in their voodoo-science......"[*][*]

Does the majority of trepidation and fear expressed against the small group of the unvaccinated stem from the various theories of herd immunity or does it go further than that …is it because there is a group that exists that does not believe, think, dance and act the same as the majority group does?

It's an issue I have with you, parent of the unvaccinated, not actually with your child. It's a feeling that you're not doing your part here; not holding up your end of the bargain. Vaccine efficacy depends, in part, on "herd immunity," and by choosing not to inoculate your child, you are failing the herd. I hold you responsible for the unnecessary illness of babies who were too young to yet be vaccinated. I definitely blame you for your own child's sickness - and I just have to remind you that it was preventable.[*]

A Moral Principle

No human being should view another person as being a means to an end, no matter how desirable that end may seem to be. [*][*][*]

The hazard of having an ideal such as forcible vaccination (barring acute medical reasons) and/or being combative (emotionally, mentally, socially, and physically) to those that resists such beliefs devalues the life of every human being.

The logic of sacrificing a few individuals (without consent) for the greater number of society is nothing novel.  Because of this, we must be diligent to consider the devastation and revolting crimes that was born when such ideals were accepted as truth.[*][*]

Voluntary consent married with adequate comprehension of each medical intervention is exceptionally fundamental as modern-day medicine develops and progresses.

A human body should never be perceived as a weapon in the arsenal of medicine against the war on viruses, cancer, or disease.

What Can be Done?

Whether you decline (or become selective of) vaccination or if you decide to administer all of them according to the current recommended schedule, there should be some development of responsibility in the participation as well as progressive education in your (or your child’s) health.

That should be the underlying principle pressed on parents – NOT mandatory vaccination, specifying vaccine status, public broadcast of vaccine records, contacting government agencies of neglect, or wishing ill of these children/parents.

I like to believe all parents are doing the best they can (am I in the minority?) – choose what works best for your family while honoring the rights of others to make that same choice.

This post reflects the research and concern that I have about vaccination.  I am not a medical professional. It does not represent my opinion of people who choose to vaccinate or not.  Please know that, while my family has made this decision, we respect the rights of all parents to choose to vaccinate if they feel this is best for their child.  I do not have all the answers.  Most of us don’t.  We’re all in this together and we need to make the best decision we can with the information we have.

This post contains some subject matter that was summarized by NVIC’s publication ‘The Moral Right to Conscientious, Personal Belief or Philosophical Exemption to Mandatory Vaccination Laws’ which was published May 2, 1997.

Other references are noted throughout post and marked with an asterisk with corresponding link following that paragraph.

From the Perspective of a 'Crunchy' Dad

I would like to preface this by sending out many thanks to Mike Beers for contributing this to my week of honoring the fathers and husbands in our conscious parenting community! I’ve been blessed to dialogue with Mike for several months now. Although I have not met him in person, I can say that he has influenced my choices for the better and I am a more informed mother, a better wife and a more compassionate person because of his influence. Thank you Mike!

********

I’m an opinionated, sarcastic, geeky, imperfect attachment daddy. My wife and I have a 3.5 year old daughter. I've learned a lot, and followed my gut a lot in the way I have parented. Coming to the conclusion and acting as an attachment parent comes easy for me. I love my daughter more than anything. I couldn't fathom hitting her or yelling at her out of my own frustration with her developing mind.

Biggest Challenge of Attachment Parenting

I want to be around her constantly, but I also want to accomplish things. Accomplishing things, while tending to my daughter's needs, is not always easy.

Next Challenge of Attachment Parenting

Then, there are the small but meaningful differences in opinion between my wife and me.  I try to be supportive of her, but sometimes we have a different opinions and priorities of how things should be handled. I'm definitely learning more every day on how to better balance the parenting and the marriage. Luckily, we have the same goals.

I think support is the most important thing in an attachment parenting family. That has included defending each other to extended family. For example, we skipped Christmas with one side of extended family because I was asked prior to the party if my wife could nurse our one year old in another room. If we are all family, we should not be shunning family behavior like that.

The attachment parenting road is not always an easy one. Ties to people I thought I would always be close with have been broken or damaged, because I learned things about myself along the way that they didn't agree with.

In the end, for me anyway, it is all worth it. I can't imagine being happier by placating others. Being true to my instincts and to my wife and daughter has made me the happiest, and I'll continue to do that. No matter what obstacles I may come across.

Mike lives in Michigan with his beautiful wife Nicole (check out her handcrafted diaper cover etsy site here) and their daughter Eisley. Thanks again Mike!!

Cosleeping and Marital Intimacy

pic from here

There are is an abundant amount of changes and challenges that occur when you go from a couple to a family unit. These challenges have the potential to deepen and intensify the meaning of a marriage – it also brings the prospect of having the intimacy sucked out like a black hole.

Having a child or children is not always effortless when it comes to continuing to build on intimacy in your marriage. (Who am I kidding, it’s hard as hell) Life becomes demanding. There is less talking. There is a lot less learning about each other’s day, each other’s goals and passions. Sometimes we just rush, rush, rush to get dinner done, the house cleaned, bathes finished, laundry folded, mow the lawn, empty the dishwasher, did the cat just throw up on the carpet? Damn it. Ahhhhhh, the never ending list! 

Meaning, having a child in the bed is not what makes intimacy difficult – it’s having a baby period, which ultimately leads to juggling time (intimate or not) to be very challenging. 

Many naysayers challenge cosleeping arrangements with the argument that it intrudes on sexual relations between mom and dad. While proponents claim there are creative (and fun) ways around it. So, which is it? 

First, I think it’s important to recognize that intimacy is not just sex. Secondly, if there is less sex in a marriage it could be because there is a baby, not because of where the baby sleeps (or lack of sleeping in some cases).

If both you and your husband understand and agree about the benefits of cosleeping, there is no doubt you'll be able to work out any challenges that arise (no pun intended).

Each and every marriage is different – if cosleeping works or doesn’t work for a family then that’s that. It’s better to have a better marriage either way, then cosleeping and resenting the other person about it.

Personally, knowing that my husband values my daughters’ psychological and emotional wellbeing as much as I do is a turn on all by itself. It also makes those moments that we do get to cuddle, hug, and kiss out of this world.

Cosleeping has been around for a very long time and the human population hasn’t disappeared yet. Somehow, those people are getting busy.

Once you deicide that cosleeping works for your family, being spontaneous and creative seem to work quite well. Sneaking around and finding ways to share a physical moment hold the potential to add a new level to the relationship. If it doesn’t work, then change it. It solely depends on your family dynamics.

One of the best gifts we can give to our children is a healthy, connected marriage – emotionally, spiritually and physically.  Whether that incorporates cosleeping, well – that’s up to you!